The Fifth Commandment - God's Secret To A Successful Life

Exodus 20:12 - "Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the LORD your God is giving you."

The fifth is another often-quoted, but frequently-ignored commandment. We as believers need to understand this: God has a high value for the relationship between parents and children. And why wouldn't He? This is a relationship that has always been eternal...one that has never had a beginning!

God is the Father. But also, God is the Son.
He has eternally existed as both a caring Parent and an obedient Son. And this unique relationship is a gift that He gave us to imitate.

Relationship Producing Obedience

As babies, moving into toddlers, we don't really understand the concept of "love". (Truthfully, as a 35-year old man, I'm still only now learning about it!) What we do know is this:
We like to be around our parents.
We like to talk to them.
We like to play with them
And we like it when they love on us.

That's where we start from with our parents: We begin our lives already thinking that they're the greatest people in the world. From that point, wise parents begin to shape another aspect of their relationship with their kids - obedience.

Ephesians 6:1-3 - "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 'Honor your father and mother,' which is the first commandment with promise: 'that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.'"

Notice a few things from this passage:
1 - Kids get the first part of this command - obedience
2 - Then the command pivots to honor, which has no age limit
As a child under your parent's authority, you're commanded to obey. 

Parents, if they're smart, will see the concept of obedience as more than just an "I'm the boss" mentality. They should realize that this one factor will determine the quality of their children's life far into the future.

The entire focus of obedience to your parents is summed up in three points:
1 - You will have someone in authority throughout your life.
2 - Things will go well for you when you obey those people in authority.
3 - There will be consequences for disobedience.

The sooner in life we learn this, the better it will be for us. But since my readers probably don't include kids at this early stage of life, let me talk to the parents about this. Mom and Dad, this is your job! You must teach your kids (while they're young) to submit to and obey their authorities...otherwise, you're dooming them to the consequences of a rebellious life.

My dad had a piece of excellent advice for me when I started as a parent: "Fight the important battles early. Don't let them get away with something wrong just because they're little and cute when they do it. Because one day they won't be little or cute, and that behavior will continue."

Of course, there's a condition to this obedience: It must be "in the Lord." When a child or teenager is under their parent's authority, they are required to obey up all the way up to this point. But if what their mom or dad says ever causes disobedience to the Lord, then Acts 5:29 applies:
"We must obey God rather than men."

Turning Mere Obedience Into Honor

Our teenage years saw the turning point from obedience to honor. 

Since teenagers are still under their parent's authority, they're still required by God to obey them. But as they begin to discover the freedom and responsibility of their own decisions, they are commanded to go beyond outward obedience. If they want the promise of a long and good life, then they will have to learn to give their parents honor and respect.

Remember, the command to honor was given in Exodus 20:12....to adults. God was speaking to the entire nation of Israel (at the same time) when He told them to honor their parents. Obedience may have an age limit, but honoring your mom and dad is a life-long command.

How do we honor our parents? Here are a few practical ways you can do this, even as an adult:

 - Respect what they say and the advice they give you.

 - Talk good about them, don't let yourself criticize them to others.

 - Look for ways to bless them.

 - Spend time with them and give them a regular part in your life.

I'm telling you, it's worth it to put some effort into your relationship with your parents. While honoring your mom and dad may not be the only component of success, it is a major one. It seems like God gave us a huge head start in life when He gave us this - "the first command with promise."

Honor When It's Not Deserved

Up to now, I've assumed that you had a normal, healthy relationship with your parents. In the two points above, I spoke of a child that has two loving, nurturing adults that are interested in their well-being. Most would agree that parents like this, even if they made mistakes, would still deserve the honor that's commanded.

But what if that's not the case? What about broken, failed, or even abusive families? What if one (or both) of the parents don't deserve any honor at all? Does God allow us to dishonor them, when they act in dishonorable ways?

No, He doesn't. 

This is going to be hard to hear, but I mean this with all love and sympathy: the kind of honor that God commands is unconditional. Unlike the condition attached to obedience ("in the Lord"), honor is commanded no matter what. Even when they hurt you, even when there's pain, even if they're the worst people on earth...God still expects you to honor them.

Why? Because of His lordship over your life.

If you remain angry, resentful, bitter, and unforgiving; then you're giving the lordship of your life over to that bad parent. You're allowing them to keep you from obeying God.

But when you've truly made Him your Lord, then you'll obey Him and make the decision to honor that terrible parent, even when you don't feel it.

How can you do that? How can you honor someone that doesn't deserve it? First of all, you need to understand that our obedience comes from grace! Even with the best of parents, you'll never be able to obey this commandment without the grace of God on your life. But WITH grace, you can and will fulfill the Law!

Here are some practical steps for honoring a dishonorable mom or dad:

1 - Even if you don't have anything good to say about them, you can stop yourself from talking bad about them.

2 - Even if it's not safe to spend time with them, you can still pray for them.

3 - Even if it seems like they've taken everything from you already, you can still ask God for a way to bless them.

4 - You can choose to forgive them, even when what they did still hurts you.

This kind of decision proves that you're serving God, not them.

So whether they deserve it or not, we must choose to honor our mom and our dad.

Only when we freely give our honor to them will we we truly be honoring Him.